Why Language of Blame
In the first episode of the Language Series, I discussed the language of complaint and the hidden potential in this way of speaking. In simple words, I described how to uncover the “commitment” that feeds the “complaint”. Read more
In order to keep our commitment hidden safely from others and from ourselves, we subconsciously pick up the language of blame. Blaming other people, conditions, circumstances and events is one of the most common ways we resist the changes we want to make in our lives. It is perhaps the strongest get-out-of-jail card for our nervous system to keep sending the same messages; for our habits to stick with us persistently and for our life story to repeat itself. We change jobs, change partners, change our residency but keep living the same scenarios over and over again.
After all playing the blame game is much easier than taking personal responsibility. Language of blame relieves us from the pressure of having to take action.
Pause. How does this pattern show up in your life? How much of your actions do you take responsibility for? How much do you hide behind blame?
Getting stuck in blame, is a habit well obscured and truly worth the self observation practice. Even the best of us who claim to be well aware and responsible fall into this trap. Allow me to bring some clarification r with a very common example.
I recently coached someone that complained about unfriendly work environment. When we uncovered the passion feeding her complaint, it was revealed that she truly wanted to have better relationships at work and build close friendships. But her blame pattern kept her from taking a step towards her colleagues. She hid behind a huge wall of blaming others for being disconnected and non-accepting. She never allowed her authentic kindness to shine. She didn't want to take responsibility for stepping in and making the connection. She didn't want to accept the responsibility that she's a very private introvert herself. It was, of course, easier to blame.
Yet another case.
During a coaching program when my client complained for being over worked, we discovered that her passion for perfection leads her to this complaint. She was so committed to everything being perfect in her way that she quietly refused to ask for help. Instead of taking responsibility for not asking others for help she was drowning herself in blaming them for not doing anything right.
Is it a bit more clear now?
Taking the blame stance vs personal responsibility by no means denies our dedication to a matter. In no way does it reduce our commitment. It’s just a very natural tool that we, as humans, have access to and utilize it pretty well.
Pause. Is there anything you can take personal responsibility for today? How can you use this new behavior to achieve what you want? What would help you get back on the track every time you get stuck in the blame game?
Creating a self observation around blame and self responsibility is well worth the time and effort. In fact, it can be more life changing than you can imagine.